Manna

"Our fathers ate the manna in the desert; as it is written, "He gave them bread for heaven to eat."  -John 16:31

As the Israelites escaped Egypt, God provided manna each morning to sustain them.  It appeared each day with the morning dew and was gathered and formed into cakes.  The Israelites had to faithfully depend on God to provide for their needs.

I have suffered from anxiety since Luke's birth.  I worry about the typical first time parent stuff, but to a degree that it interferes with every day life. I know where this anxiety comes from; his pregnancy and delivery.

I longed to be a mother for ten years and two marriages before God blessed me with a pregnancy.  I had attended so many baby showers that I lost count.  The movie 27 Dresses could have been adapted to my life as 27 Baby Showers.  I had read books, websites and browsed Motherhood Maternity while knowing I was not pregnant.  I had a theme for a nursery and several items already purchased.

God had given me a do-over in life and I wanted my do-over to be perfect.  Knowing that I emotionally could not handle waiting to have children, my new husband I quickly became expectant parents.  I read all the new books and became up to date with all new items, warnings and trends.

During my third trimester of pregnancy my son settled to one side of my stomach and became almost immobile.  This is not uncommon according to popular literature and my doctor.  My intuition kept telling me something was wrong.  My stomach was completely lopsided and the only way I new Baby Luke was okay was that he often had the hiccups.

I wanted to have a natural birth.  I am afraid of needles and have had fainting spells at the thought of giving blood.  During my 8 month check-up we learned that Luke was breech and not in position.  His ultrasound looked normal and there were no signs of stress.  Two weeks later, my doctor said he could feel Luke which I took as a sign that Luke was getting ready to be born, even though I did not think that Luke had moved since the last appointment.  We scheduled my next appointment for a week later.

On February 14, 2011, after a Valentine's Day party and telling my coworker to discuss a project with my long-term sub "in case I don't make it in tomorrow," I got in my car to drive home.  On the way home I heard a snap and my water broke.  My first thought was that I had wet my pants since I was 38 weeks along.

Josh and I arrived at the hospital at 5:15 p.m.  The nurses began assessing us and quickly determined that Luke was in fact still breech and on my right side in my ribcage.  Since my water had broken and Luke was not even close to being in position for birth it was determined that a c-section was the best course of action.  Josh and I did not argue about this since we have thanked God every morning for a healthy pregnancy and prayed for a successful birth.  At 5:30 the nurses began prepping me for surgery and at 7:02 p.m. Luke was born.  His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and had he moved he would have hung himself.  This is why he had waited so patiently in the same position for three months.  I knew something was wrong.  I knew it.

The following day Luke was having difficulty eating and had dry diapers.  I had not labored with him so he had fluid in his lungs which caused troubled breathing.  I continually asked my nurse for assistance with breast feeding and to check his breathing.  I was assured that these things would clear up within day and all would be fine.  When Luke was 36 hours old he was admitted to NICU due to breathing difficulties and low blood sugar.  I knew it.  I knew something was wrong and no one was listening to me.

Luke had a stiff neck and preferred to sleep and eat on one side.  This is common among newborns.  I could feel stiffness and knots on one side of his neck.  I asked his pediatrician about this and was again assured that all was well.  Luke later developed several ear infections that antibiotics were unable to help.  This led me to believe that he was not the victim of several ear infections, but something else.  When Luke was 18 months old I began taking him to a chiropractor.  Luke needed to be realigned as his neck was tight and knotted going back to his position in the womb.  After one adjustment Luke was able to turn his head from side to side, open his mouth wide and sleep on both sides of his head.  Again, I knew something was wrong.

My anxiety not only makes me hyper-focused on Luke's health, but about providing for him and hopefully a sibling one day.  Luke would very much like to have a sibling and asks for one when we see a new baby.  I have stored every item of Luke's in carefully labeled bins.  I have given away and sold nothing thinking it was only practical that if, one day God blessed us with another perfect child everything would be set.  There would be no financial worries about clothing, shoes, or other necessities, just some new diapers and a hospital bill.

Then I realized that hanging on to Luke's things were an attempt to control my anxiety.  Our road with Luke has not been as rocky as many others.  Luke was never in danger for his life.  We did not have to mourn the loss of a child.  We have been more than provided for.  God has given us manna to sustain our every need so why then do I need to hang on to all of Luke's baby items?

Both Josh and I feel that God will be faithful in giving us another child.  Both Josh and I feel that we are not called to be parents again just yet and we are both completely content with that.  As a way of acknowledging how God provided for Luke's every need, we will be selling and giving away several of Luke's things that he has outgrown with complete confidence that when God decides to add to our family, he will once again give us manna.